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给业务员改两封邮件,看得我一头火

昨天Bruce给两个重要客户写邮件,正好我不忙,就让他写完后先不要发给客户,把邮件发来看看。

结果一看就直冒火。

整个邮件长篇大幅,啰里吧嗦,主次不分,甚至连简单的排版都没有。

联想到以前他给客户写邮件我都没看,惊得我一身冷汗。

今天把Bruce拉出来示众,如果你的邮件跟他相似,马上改了吧。

01

邮件1:一个欧洲客户使用我们鼠标的时候貌似遇到了技术故障,无法在网站上下载软件,于是写邮件求助。

Bruce很负责任地回复了客户。

原文如下:

Hello XX

This is Bruce Dong, product Manager of AI Voice Mouse.

Regarding the issues mentioned in your email:

1, In order to satisfy customers in different countries and regions around the world that they can download software at high speed, we have purchased MEGA’s cloud disk. In this way, customers in any country and region can download mirror files from the local server.

Just now, I used Chinese IP, Japanese IP and American IP to test the download link of our website respectively, and the URL and download function are all normal.

This is a short test video that has been sent to you via wetransfer :https://we.tl/t-VXIN3*******

2,  The default save path for downloading via the MEGA network disk is:   C:\Users\Bruce Dong\Downloads  (Bruce Dong is my computer name. This name will change as the computer is named). If one of our customers can download the software, but does not know where to find the downloaded files, we can tell the customer that this path is the default.

3, If one of our customer’s computer’s firewall prohibits the MEGA download link. We can only give an abstract suggestion: suggest that he cancel this prohibition and open permissions. But on this issue, we have no way to give very specific suggestions, because it has gone beyond our software/webpage category and belongs to computer settings.

4, Under the win10 or win11 system, opening any executable file requires administrator permission. Under normal circumstances, double-click the icon of this software, and the licensing dialog box will pop up. In some cases, you need to right-click the software icon first, and then select “Run as administrator”.  This point is actually only the scope of general computer knowledge.

5, The download URL for the software has always been: https://tessmouse.com/downloads/ ,This setting has not been changed in the past 2 years, and it is expected that it will not change in the next few years. 

I just checked the page again and there is no problem opening the page and downloading. I also checked the QR codes on the instruction manual one by one again, and the URLs parsed from these QR codes are also correct. I scan these QR codes with my mobile browser, and they all point to the correct URL.

All in all, I haven’t found anything unusual so far. Regarding the above points 2 and 4, please kindly convey it to the needed end customers.

Thank you for your feedback and please keep us in touch.

Thanks&regsrds

Bruce 

说实话,看完第一段我都不想看了,语法之不专业,行文之繁琐,Chinglish痕迹之重,让人不忍猝读。

无奈之下,只能改。在改的过程中,又简单排了一下版,绝不能让他发出去丢人现眼。

Hello XX

This is Bruce Dong, product Manager of AI Voice Mouse.

Regarding the issues mentioned in your email,reply as follows:

1,About software download.

 In order to download the software in different countries, we have purchased MEGA’s cloud disk, then customers can download mirror files from the local server.

I tested China, Japan and America IP to download the software, the result turns out normal.

This is a short test video to show how to download the software, that has been sent to you via wetransfer  https://we.tl/t-VXIN3****

2,  About the software save path

After download software, the default save path is:   C:\Users\Bruce Dong\Downloads  (Bruce Dong is my computer name. This name will change as the computer is named).

3, About the computer settings.

 If customer’s computer’s firewall prohibits the MEGA download link. We suggest to change the settings of the firewall temperately and give permission to the link.

Generally speaking, this is a computer setting problem, and has nothing to do with our product and software.

4, About Computer version.

Under the win10 or win11 system, it requires administrator permission when opening any executable file. 

So please keep this in mind if your computer is win10 or win11 system.

Under normal circumstances,just double-click the icon of this software, and the licensing dialog box will pop up.

In some cases, you need to right-click the software icon first, and then select “Run as administrator”.

If you have any other question, please don’t hesitate to contact with me.

Regards!

Bruce

02

第二封邮件:

给一个快下单的客户重新报价,该客户前几天在欧洲拜访过。

邮件原文

Hello XX

Thank you so much for your hospitality in XX. We have been in touch online for several years and finally met for the 1st time. I think we had a frank and deep communication.

Sorry for the late reply. After a long business trip, the company has too many urgent matters waiting for us to deal with.

In the past few days, I have asked the workshop director to carefully calculate the spare parts, working hours and construction period.

After several years and the covid-19, whether it is spare parts, workers’ wages, or workshop rent, there has been a great increase. Of course, compared to worst covid-19 time, some costs have fallen back.

Under normal circumstances, the gross profit margin of our company selling xx is controlled at around 15%. The marketing cost and the after-sales service would probably have a ratio of 5% to 8%. In the end, we were able to maintain a net profit of 7% to 10%.

According to the current production schedule of the workshop, if we confirm the order in the near future, the workshop waiting period is about 15-20 days, the construction period is about 45-60 days, and the total delivery period can be controlled within 90 days/70 working days.

After precise calculation, on the basis of maintaining a 15% gross profit margin, the latest price we offer you is USD xxxx. Taking into account the Chinese New Year holiday in 2024, the new validity period is 90 days.

My boss has agreed to issue the new PI, attached.

PS: About another product we discussed, , I will reply you in the next email.

Bruce

依旧是长篇大论,啰里吧嗦,如同念经,主次不分,没有排版。

甚至有些地方不知所云,不知道他想重点表达啥,以及为啥要这么写。

修改后:

Hello XX

 

Thank you so much for your hospitality in  XX

 

In the past few days, we calculated the cost according to the partslist , labors, and figure out the delivery time.

 

  1. Product cost: USDxxxx

  2. Our profit: xx

  3. Sales price:USDxx

  4. Delivery time: 30 working days

 

Compared with the same product from Germany, which cost Euroxxxx, our price is super competitive obviously.

 

As you know, after 3-year market testing, our xxx quality even better than German quality.

 

Please check the specific PI in the attachment.

 

PS: About another product we discussed, I will reply you in the next email.

 

Regards!

Bruce

03

 

Bruce那样的邮件,除非客户非常有意向,不然人家根本没时间看你啰嗦。

希望外贸业务员在给客户写邮件的时候注意4个问题:

1.分清主次

把最重要的、客户最关注的、你最想让客户看到的内容放到显眼位置。

2.语言尽量简洁

用最少的文字把意思表达清楚,不要浪费客户的时间。

比如,如果你能说棺材,在表达的时候就不要说“装死人的盒子”。

3.展现自己的优势

Bruce是技术型销售,我一直不把他当销售型的销售看,加之他不是学英语专业的,所以对他的邮件写作能力没太高要求。

但看到他的邮件后,他丝毫没有把自己的优势展现出来,写作功底之差,超出了我的想象。

看来很多事情绝对不能想当然,做了十年外贸的老业务,也可能在基本功上是个弱鸡。

4.展示自己的专业性。

文字是有温度的,也是有气质的,客户可以通过文字感知到对方的温度和气质。

在没有很多机会和客户见面的情况下,请练好写作。

像Bruce这种做了十年外贸还这种写作水平的业务员真是没SEI了。

毁灭吧地球。

他以前肯定因为他的啰嗦和主次不分误了很多事!图片图片图片图片

后续:在老板的英明指导下, Bruce很快收到了客户的回复和表扬,并特意强调了对他的看法。

“quite impressive!” 

“Very professional”,

虽然是作弊得来的,把客户丢给他独自处理,马上就会现原形,但也算有了个好结果。)

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